he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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