I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
