I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
