It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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