you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
