Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
