I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i was born a porn star she said
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
