the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
