i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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