She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
