We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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