you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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