If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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