yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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