I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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