I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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