The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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