So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
40s are totally the cure
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize