Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
