I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
