it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
