I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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