a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
