I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
