he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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