bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
