I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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