Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
