Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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