He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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