I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
