the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This is the high leading the old right now
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
