the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
