I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
