Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
