i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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