when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
