Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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