I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
