I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
