Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
