Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
