just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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