Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
