oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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