i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
