I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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