Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
