Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
