can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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