Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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