Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You were trust falling into bushes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
