You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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