girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize