I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
