Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
