if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
