one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
