i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
