haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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