I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
