I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
