I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
