he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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