That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
