I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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