Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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