If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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